March 22, 2011

My Story : Dying {to be thin}

I originally wrote this post on February 22nd...exactly one month ago
but I wasn't quite brave enough to post it.
But I can tell you that just writing it down has made me feel so....liberated...free
And now I'm ready {I think} to share it with all of you.
Even if only 1 person reads this and it makes a difference to them
I'll be ok.

I'm going to start out by saying this is awkward.
Something I haven't really talked about with many people
but I think it's an important enough issue, that I shed my own light on it
Here goes:

I never really cared all that much about what I ate or how much I weighed.
I ate without thinking, without guilt and without regret

I'd say things like "oh, I could loose a few pounds"
but I never did anything about it.
when I was 17, that all changed.
My senior year of high school I decided to go on a diet
I had a friend who had started losing weight, and people were noticing.
Telling me that they thought she looked good, and asking if I knew how she was doing it.
Jealous.
Yep, as embarrassing, ridiculous and selfish as that is, I became jealous of my friend.
It was like an instant competition that was taking place in my head
nothing we talked about, but so real to me.
I HAD to lose weight.
I joined a gym and started working out, but it wasn't working as fast as I wanted.
So I stopped eating as much
I became very conscious of what, how much and when I was eating
and it worked.
I lost over 10 pounds in less than a month
{a lot for someone who didn't need to loose weight in the first place}
but it wasn't enough.
I needed to loose more.
so I ate less, and less
and exercised more and more.

And just like I knew I would, I lost even more weight
I obsessed about food ALL day
what sounded delicious, what I was craving, what I wanted to eat so bad
but wouldn't allow myself to.
I was skipping meals.
 I'd be so shaky I could hardly stand it
I'd feel dizzy and light headed
but that magic number on the scale made me feel so good inside
I told myself it was all worth it.

My life revolved around what food I wouldn't eat, and figuring out ways to work off what I did eat.
The thoughts in my head were going a million miles a minute,
and each thought revolved around
how I looked, what I wouldn't eat and how I could keep people I knew from suspecting anything.

My  mom asked on several occasions if everything was ok, and even took me to the doctor
of course, I said I was fine.
I had a really good friend confront me {she saw past my lies}
and I denied that I had a problem to her too.

It was scary being in my head, but I couldn't get out.

I tried so hard.
I wanted to enjoy eating again without feeling extreme guilt
without feeling like I was disgusting
without fear of gaining weight

I'd gain a few pounds, and then feel so gross and out of control that I'd loose them again.

I remember just praying that I would be relieved of this obsession.
I'd go to bed hoping that I'd wake up and suddenly be "normal" again
I think that day finally came, but not as soon as I wanted.

I went to Slidell, Louisiana
with my church to do Hurricane Katrina Relief at the end of 2005
and that trip changed my life.

I decided before I left that I would not spend my time in Louisiana focusing on myself
I would eat like normal and not feel guilty about it.
And, with the help of God, that's kind of how it went.

I was so focused on helping the hurricane victims,
{listening to their stories and showing them love}
I wasn't taking the time to analyze and then over-anazlye myself.
{not to mention, I fell in love with my future husband on this trip}
and when I got back home and got on the scale I almost cried,
but I told myself that it was ok.

There was still so much going on in my head,
but instead of negative, self defeating comments
I was trying to be positive.
I had to convince myself that it was ok to eat...ok not to feel guilty...to not have regret.
It wasn't easy, but it slowly worked.

I never consider myself as someone who has had "an eating disorder"
but I definitely know I was boarderline
my "issues" only lasted about a year,
but I would say it took at least 3 years before I could fully enjoy eating
and felt comfortable in my own skin.

Now it's so weird to be sitting on the flip side looking back.
My body has created and cared for another life.
stretched to Timbuktu and back
{seriously}
and I feel like I have this total appreciation for my body and what it was created to do.

That doesn't mean I just love everything about my body
{trust me, I don't}
And I'd still like to loose a few pounds,
but the obsessing is over, and my life is less stressful
and for that I am thankful.

If you, or someone you know is going through something like this,
I hope you can find a little bit of inspiration and encouragement from reading this.
Please...accept the gift of help.
Visit this website for more information and get help today.

4 comments:

Kyndale said...

Wow Alex, you are extremely brave for sharing that Alex! I think it truly helps others when people talk about personal experiences. You are AMAZING!!!!

Sara Daugherty said...

Aww, Alex, I knew we've never been super close but I've always thought of you as a beautiful person both inside and out. I love reading your blog, and I think it's so amazing that you can share such an intimate story and hope to help others. I'm so glad you've become more comfortable in your own skin because you deserve feel beautiful because you definitely are!! <3

Lauren said...

You are so brave for being so transparent. Thank you for sharing. I think you are beautiful...inside and out!

Lola P said...

Thanks for sharing. It takes a lot to admit something like this. Glad you overcome this problem :)

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